Divorce doesn’t have to be a disaster

Parents have more control over how a divorce will impact their children than they often realize.  An interesting article by a British psychotherapist Jane Cassidy can be found here.  She discusses her experience in dealing with children of divorce and finds that often it's not the divorce or separation that really damages children but rather marital conflict between the parents. 

She notes that "If parents can remember that the mental wellbeing of their children is of far greater importance than their own anger, hurt and resentment, it may mitigate some of the more undesirable consequences that will inevitably follow for the kids – it may even help the parents to manage the trauma of a wrecked relationship in a calmer, more dignified and less damagingly toxic way for themselves."

She suggests these Do's and Dont's:

— Don’t argue in front of the children.

— Don’t blame or complain about each other to the children; if you want to rant about him/her, call a friend and do it when the kids aren’t around.

— Don’t confide in the children about yourself or your partner.

— Don’t undermine each other when talking to the children.

— Don’t vent your rage on the children. Try to maintain ordinary ground rules and boundaries.

— Do take notice of your children and be aware of how they are.

— Do ensure that your children have adults to confide in who know the situation - relations, grandparents, family friends etc.

— Do seek out professional help: relationship counsellors, mediation specialists for adults and child psychotherapists.

— It can be helpful for parents to talk to child psychotherapists about problems with the children, without offspring there.